Examining Expectations

We all have expectations of people from our partners, to our family members, to our friends…even to our casual acquaintances. These expectations stem from our values and belief systems, which ultimately are a product of our experience, culture and upbringing. Often, too, what we expect of people is tied to our sense of worth and purpose. When expectations are not met, it can leave us feeling all sorts of negative emotions- anger, confusion, frustration, disappointment, hurt, and disillusionment to name a few. Being aware of our expectations helps us understand how we are reacting to others’ behaviour. The next step is to examine our expectations, and consider how some adjustments might bring us a little more peace.

Many of the expectations we have of our partner or family members are, for the most part, universal. We expect to be loved unconditionally, to be heard, to be cared for, and to be safe in our own homes. We expect mutual honesty, trust and respect.

 Societal or cultural norms can create other expectations. For example, those of us who married fifty years ago might still have been expecting to live traditional gender roles. The sixties and seventies changed all that, and many of us adjusted our vision of what married life should look like. Some did not.

Raising children also reveals our expectations, and hopefully both parents are on the same page. Respect for parents is a cultural, societal and religious norm. For example, many of us grew up with the commandment-“Honor thy mother and thy father.” We expect our children to behave according to our core beliefs, to interact with us and others in certain ways, to grow and move into the adult world much like we did. We expect this, and often face a good deal of conflict and strife when things don’t unfold as we had hoped.

We tend to have greater expectations of people who are close to us; if a partner or family member lets us down, it has the potential to cut more deeply, and can have a greater long-lasting impact. However, we do have unspoken rules for our friends too. The main difference between friends and family is that we can ‘unfriend’ someone, but we can’t ‘unfamily’ someone.

When doing a little self-introspection, we can first think about whether or not our expectations are reasonable, ‘normal’ and fair. We have to admit the truth to ourselves. Sometimes, what we are asking of others is self-serving, disrespectful or even plain wrong. For example, if a parent expects their child to comply 100% with house rules with the attitude “Because I said so”, it is not fair. When conflicts arise in situations like this, outside help in the form of a family counsellor can identify the problem. That problem can be unreasonable, unfair, unrealistic expectations.

Alternately, there are many times the someone is hurting us or angering us with their behaviour, and our expectations are appropriate. We must be assertive and take action. No fighting, pouting, cold shoulder, or game-playing.We can first communicate our feelings to that person, and secondly, attempt to find a solution that fits our expectation. For example, if a person expected his partner to spend more time with him, that would, depending on the circumstances, be a normal expectation. He would first have to tell them what he thinks and feels. Then, in a healthy relationship, he and his partner could negotiate a compromise or alter actions that work for both parties. Just being able to have a calm problem-solving discussion is a reasonable expectation.

If, however, someone does not conform to what we feel is important, or that person is not willing to help resolve what has become a problem, we have a choice to make. Assuming what we require is reasonable, and we have tried communicating and  attempting a course of action, we have to decide: Is this something we personally can adjust our views on without holding resentment? For example, let’s say your partner is golfing five days a week, and you expect him to spend more time at home. He is not willing to give up any of his golf time. Perhaps you can choose to golf with him, or pursue other leisure activities yourself. Perhaps, you ‘give in’ but harbour anger.

If the other person really digs in his feet, is it worth the fight? It is reasonable to expect respect and compromise., but sometimes the two parties have extremely different views, and sometimes it becomes a matter of ego, control, or power. No doubt, if situations like this were the norm, and happened frequently without change, the relationship would suffer. The person who’s constantly feeling disrespected, upset or angry cannot continue in that mental state;

Advice I heard once was to lower my expectations of people, but we cannot and should not do this to have peace in our lives. I am not saying to stand rigidly by our beliefs;  we should examine and evaluate our expectations periodically. This might lessen the drama in our lives and ensure that we are not setting ourselves up for grief. For example: a grandma might expect to hear from her grandchildren more often, but if grandma thinks about it, she could make a greater effort herself. Grandma could remember what it is like to be a teenager or a busy young adult , and understand that not hearing from them every week is not a reflection of how they feel about her. It is important to consider both sides of the coin.

We must also be realistic about the big picture. If a person has always acted a particular way, chances are they are not going to change. We can expect them to, but that is not going to make it so. Sometimes time is the only cure for someone who is repeatedly hurt or angered by someone who is repeatedly letting them down. Eventually, we figure it out and adjust our own reaction. We don’t need to be cruel, callous, or cynical, but we do need to toughen up. The offending person does not have to be cut out of our life, but we can refuse to be hurt by his behavior. When it comes to this point, the quality of the relationship is undoubtedly altered or more likely, harmed. Perhaps, a person who was once a big part of our lives, now plays a lesser role.That is okay. It may do wonders for our mental health.

I am not an expert on this topic, but time and life experience have taught me many lessons. I have come to have less expectations of others as I age…not that I do not care about people in my life, but because I have become more understanding and tolerant. Sometimes, in the past, my expectations were a cry for attention or affection. That is no longer an issue. Sometimes, in the past, my expectations have taken the form of judgement, and that is no longer acceptable. Certainly, I am now a little wiser, a little tougher, and a lot more content. If I am not directly affected, or my principles are not severely compromised, I can ‘let it be’.

Examining one’s expectations is an important step towards peace and mental health. I highly recommend it.